Here's One For The Neck

We're all looking for something to break
We're all looking for a heavenly state
Well, the culling is coming, one way or the other
I can hear it in the wind that's blinding my eyes
One fine day or in the middle of the night
Two big boys gonna get up to fight
Well, I'll be diving for cover and double up inside
Praying for forgiveness it'll never arrive

My, my, what a beautiful place
Who is first to destroy the human race
I've got faith, what do you say
1, 2, 3, and it's a beautiful day
My, my, here's one for the neck
Don't relax, 'cos you're next for the check
I've got faith - we're armed to the teeth
But I've got a strange and a stupid belief

We're looking for a little salvation
What I got, it's a living damnation
Big world, wild eyes, shiny boots, and broken ties
Government progress, what do you get? less
Why do you want to hear about the state of my mind
Well, I can see it in their pupils
They got no scruples
Oh, what a way to go

Finally, it comes out...

I should be fixing up my book, but I'm deciding to wander a bit away from that tonight.

After several minutes of going back over all of the chapters I have written, I decided that a drive was in order just so I could clear my mind and gain some sort of inspiration that usually comes from these adventures.

Off on another gas-wasting adventure I go!

As I walked to the car, I noticed that there was something different in the air. A chill came over me as I got that "something is changing" feeling in the marrow of my bones. I inhaled deeply and caught the smell of a fireplace burning wood. I got this wonderful feeling that I experience the strongest in Autumn. The season of change is fast approaching, and I am more than ready.

I've mentioned before that Fall is a season that I (and I'm sure many of you) literally feel. It's the time when people reflect on the year that has passed, shed some skin, and grow. Not only is Autumn a season of change and growth, it is a season of Death.


All the things we have learned, all the people that we have gotten to know. Those that have taught us what we could be, and those that have taught us what we should never do. The last year and a half of my life was surrounded by so much of this.

I learned a lot about myself when I lived down in the depths of Phoenix. I learned what it is to have circumstances form to only create other circumstances. Moving around Phoenix was all based on instinct, then the consequences of following said instinct. From moving from home, to moving from my friends house to another's house, then being forced to scramble to find a place, and then moving in with another friend...then finally crash landing in the lap of the height of my learning experience.

A good friend spirited me away to the Valley of the Sun. He's still a good friend in fact. I sprang from Phoenix with very few of those, which is just the way it should be.

The first ten months were filled with warehouse hi jinks (yay industrial jobs!),clubs, breaking out of my shell, and constant wondering about "the one who got away". Clubs gave way to many many friends...few of them stayed that way. Then instinct guided me to another place. Tensions in this place proved to be too much, and I ended up at another good friend's apartment...and the "one that got away" was one apartment complex to the left. I knew this when I moved in...and I expected myself to leave well enough alone, until I got a call from this "new" neighboor. (Of course, he may tell the story differently, I called him, right?...anyway...)

I never thought I'd witness the downfall of another human being's spirit, let alone be engaged to it. It's almost as if the last year plus three months were preparing me for this ordeal. From April 5th to July 18th, I was thrown tests that would have made Hercules cringe. Although I'm not alone. There are those that ran the same gauntlet...and I'm so glad that they're around. I went from feeling real love, to feeling real anger real quick. I won't brake this man too much; he's doing that enough by himself.

Through all the confusion that is in his mind, all the lies he has to spew, through all the drinks, pills, and sheer madness, there is a flicker of a human being that needs help, and the darkness that he has allowed to take over won't let that happen. Never had I been in the presence of a truly split person, and all I could do was watch. I witnessed the awesome, sweet side, and the depressed, tantrum side. I saw two med adjustments, and a night of binge drinking that ended with me sticking my fingers down his throat until all that came up was bile. The next morning he says I saved his life, and that "that was real love". I knew right then that his flickering human understood; but soon after, the beast returned...and all the unresolved issues got swallowed up again. That man will not see 31 unless he wakes the fuck up.

The antics that surround him in this present time, are to the point of being funny. I stand back and just sit dumbstruck at the things that spew from his mouth, and all that spews from my mouth is laughter. How do things get so warped for another person? It's truly amazing. All I can hope, is that after it all crashes down (and oh, how it will), he comes out stronger.

I learned. Learned more about myself then I thought I ever could. With that final blow, I flew. I rose up from the ashes and landed back home. I can breathe now...and prepare for the next road that I will take.

I wonder now how many more monumental lessons I will learn. My gut answer: many. Many upon many.


Here comes Autumn.

Another turn of the wheel.

Death, rebirth, growth, repeat.