Trudging Through an Unanswered Past

Nostalgia hit me like a ton of bricks today. I was digging through my storage in an attempt to find the horns I'll inevitably need for my costume. After twenty minutes of rummaging through boxes. I found them in my nightstand drawer (which I had looked in twice before while at my storage). The box rummaging wasn't a total loss though. During my horn quest, I found some clothes I forgot I owned along with a few CD's that I hadn't listened to in three or four years. I tossed my newly discovered wardrobe in the the back of the car and placed the CD's on the front passenger seat. I closed up storage, and away I drove.

I stuck this mixed CD I made way back in 2005. It was full of both decent and ridiculous techno. (Including the Mortal Kombat theme..lol) As I was flipping through the tracks, this song started by Gigi D'Agostino. I remember placing "I'll Fly With You" in very high regards back in '04. Yeah, it's cheesy techno, but at that time, I built something on that song. Over the years, I casually listened to this song, not really giving it much thought. However, today in the car, I was slammed with feelings from four years ago. Everything came together at that moment. The cooler weather, the song, and the location. It felt like I hit a deja vu mother load.

As the song kept going, I got hit with memories, the feelings that went along with those memories, and a fast forward picture show of the last few years. I wanted to jump out of my skin and trudge through the days of my past. As I drove through town, with this song on repeat, I narrowed my flight of recall down to a certain person.

My ever evasive wolf friend.

He was so serious back then...which is something he admitted to me when we talked on the phone right before I moved to Phoenix. He was intense and I was shy...bad combo. Our relationship never totally ended. We never had the "it's over" talk. We were just loose ends. I rarely saw him and when I did, it felt like the first encounter. The last time I saw him, was back in 2007. We hadn't seen each other for a year and a half, and I still became flustered. I felt ridiculous, and I ignored the fact that he had a crazed blond chick with him.

During our "right before I moved to Phoenix" phone conversation we did something foreign to the both of us. We talked.. a lot, about nothing...as it should be in those situations. He even pointed out in jest "wow, we're having an actual conversation.." The admittance of his past intensity soon followed that statement.

After that conversation, we didn't talk for over a year. This past June, after the demise of my engagement, the thought of contacting him tapped me on the shoulder. I shook it off....until I saw his last name on a license plate. In all my years of cosmic "bitch slaps" that was one of the biggest. There it was. No abbreviations, no numbers posing as letters...just the full last name, and next to it was the number '1'. I remember muttering "well shit" as I pulled my phone out, and dialed his number. Our conversation was decent. We caught up on the last year, and he kept talking to me even though he was at work. I told him I'd be moving back, which was followed by a sincere "oh great!" I told him I'd give him a call sometime. I haven't

He's one of those "we'll wait and see" people. Meaning, will I run into him...we'll just have to wait and see. I'm used to contacting or running into this guy a year at a time, so yeah, we'll see.

I'm not giving chase. It'll happen when it happens.

Things were left unfinished between us, and that's why it's weird. Even still.

It's not love, it's curiosity. It's a what the fuck moment in my life that I may or may not resolve.

In retrospect, there were SO many things between us that were never said. Things that we should have shared but were either too shy, or too proud to express. We had the awkward pauses, and when it was time for one of us to leave, we didn't want to. What is that? What happened? Why do I still give a shit?

Every time I turn to run into this mysterious water, I catch my self and shake my head.

The water in the sea is here, ready for me to go swimming, and here I am waiting for a tsunami.

C'est la vie.